Tag: Disney

The Adults Only Tour 2015 – Day Ten

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

Day Ten – 5th September

I know that we have a track record over the years of declaring a day a rest day and then spending it doing things not even close to resting. However, today was to be one of those rest days and frankly we needed it. The two days at Universal had been hard on the legs (and stomach) and we were all feeling it.

You can tell this was a real rest day as there’s no sign of a photograph until this evening when food appears. All of this is trip report writer’s code to suggest that today may be short and a bit unexciting, in sharp contrast to all the other days which require a seat belt and a Diazpam to survive.

Now, having said all that, with you all prepared for tales of us lounging around doing not a lot, I found myself awake at 4am. This was solely due to my illness and it was probably my body’s way of protecting me from drifting away into a cold related coma in my sleep, such was the level of my maladay. Looking back at this day now, from some months away, it is hard to remember how I felt but judging by the unrepeatable description of my state in my trip report notes, I was one poorly boy.

What is even more indescribable is whatever madness took me at this time to attack my work emails on the villa’s PC. Having deleted a few thousand emails that I didn’t need to get in the first place I staggered back to bed for a couple of hours, waking again around 9am.

Despite being at death’s door we did a trip to the supermarket to restock the fridge and cupboards with high sugar foods and vein clogging fare. You have to feed a cold you know.

On the way back we called in at the local CVS Pharmacy to see if anyone had found a cure for the cold recently. They hadn’t but I spent a silly amount on various treatments to make me feel like I was at least putting up a decent fight.

Back at the villa we all swam, read and relaxed in varying degrees. It was hot of course, which felt great when like me you had a fever not seen since a Saturday Night in 1977.

Have I mentioned my illness enough yet?

For lunch we feasted upon sandwiches from Publix which I’m sure were very tasty for those with a working sense of taste, or smell.

Readying began around 3pm and we made our way to The Commons to get Emily no doubt many, many hours later. Today she was on Traditions, the renowned “sheep dipping” into Disney culture for all new Cast Members. Anyway, she wasn’t back yet, so we went over to Premium Outlet Malls which is literally a few minutes away from her apartment.

We shopped for a bit. Yes that’s right, I am ill and we’re shopping. What fresh hell is this?

Something happened which occurs about as regularly as Halley’s Comet. I bought, or should I say, I was bought a pair of jeans. It was my birthday present from Mum and Dad. They were even “a label” which all my jeans are, however normally that label is George.

We browsed about four thousand other shops before Emily was ready so we went to pick her up and brought her across to the Mall. She needed some stuff for upcoming training so after a quick Starbucks we split off into three groups, Louise, Emily and I were one, Nana and Grandad another and Rebecca and Sarah the last. We shopped at great speed trying to pin point very precise items of clothing in the vast open spaces of the huge department stores. Having secured the work related stuff Emily needed we got her a new pair of converse too as her existing ones were held together by hope and spit.

We had arranged to meet up with everyone at 8.30 as we would need to leave at that time to get across to Beaches and Cream for our reservation. How we were all looking forward to our Kitchen Sink or whatever else we may decide to have.

Once in the car, I set up the Sat Nav, typed in Beach Club and off we went, in the dark, in a foreign country. Those last two things are an excuse for me not thinking anything was odd about the back streets and dodgy areas we were being taken through. By the time we reached our destination it was very clear that we weren’t in Disney anymore and our chances of getting to our reservation in time were slim. I never did figure out how the Sat Nav which had been so reliable for years had decided that the Beach Club was on some residential street about forty minutes from Lake Buena Vista. I put it in the glove box for a while to think about what it had done.

We found our way to Crossroads at around the time of our reservation and being about ten minutes from Beaches and Cream we may have had a chance of still making it. However, there was gridlock, no doubt with folks heading to Downtown Disney so we abandoned all hope and made a Plan B. With us being where we were we decided upon Olive Garden.

Surprisingly we were seated immediately and, oh look, some photos….

That was worth waiting for I think you will agree.

We perused the menus and spirits were high despite the crap journey, horrible traffic, my impending death from a blocked nose and having been shopping.

I cannot explain this photo.

We opted for the salad and bread sticks with Sarah going for the soup option instead.

We ordered –

Me – Gorgonzola Steak Thingy

Louise – Some sort of Cheese Ziti

Emily & Sarah – Lasgane

Rebecca – Stuffed Something (I am King of Trip Report note making)

Grandad – Chicken and Shrimp

Nana – Rosemary Chicken

Desserts were not possible and with wines, beers, special lemonades and my expensive Diet Cokes we paid $175 including a generous tip.

We dropped Emily off home and headed for the villa getting back at around 11. I was still ill.

Till the next time…..

The Adults Only Tour 2016 – Day Nine

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

Day Nine – 4th September

The fact that I continued to wake up naturally, at times before I need to when back at home and going to work struck me as a weird combination of irksome and pleasing in equal measure. My pleasure was again dampened by the fact that it took two hours from me waking up to us being on our way.

Louise and Emily were very hard to rouse this morning, which was an unsurprising consequence of what was a very tiring day yesterday. I was impressively energetic considering I had spent the night in a hotel room with two women. At just after nine we dropped the cases off in the car…

and then we headed to the water taxi to get us over to Islands of Adventure.

I took the photo that everybody takes…

and made the long walk through the park towards Hogwarts.

The theming was as impressive as I remembered from our one and only previous visit.

There was a fifteen minute wait posted for Forbidden Journey but nobody said this was just to get a locker. To be fair Grandad did struggle to understand the instructions but still, it’s a right faff.

It soon became apparent that I had remembered very little about this ride from our previous visit. This was a good thing and maybe one of the advantages of my fading memory as I get older. I got to enjoy it for the first time all over again.

We went straight on to Flight of The Hypogrif, Hippogryph, Hypogryf…..the next ride.

Quite brief, fast paced and leaving you short of breath. You can put your own version of the usual joke there.

Having only had the two hours between waking and leaving the hotel, clearly breakfast had just not been an option, so now, food was on our minds. The Three Broomsticks satisfied our essential criteria of being open and right in front of us. It is a counter service affair, with your order placed at a till and then you pick the food up.

As we proved at Be Our Guest, co-ordinating an order for a party of seven in this manner is clearly a task beyond me.  Our order taker was in her tenth decade on earth which didn’t help her understand seven idiots from Bolton shouting orders at her randomly. Sarah almost pushed her over the edge as she ordered one of the standard dishes, but wanted it without about half of the items. This took much longer than you would believe.

With our order locked and loaded we filled up our trays and found a table. Guess what? My food was missing again. With only a minor sense of humour failure and a decent flounce I went back to the food counter to claim my pancakes.

It was 11am when we left and most of us then rode the old Duelling Dragons ride, which may not have been the best time to do it, with bellies full of food.

With our special passes we walked right to the boarding area, arriving just in time to see the ride break down and spend the next ten minutes awaiting a fix. This was really good fun.

After a brief stop for photos…

Next, Grandad, Sarah, Rebecca, Emily and I decided to do Poseidon’s thingy. This was a grave mistake.

We walked in, but were held behind a rope for almost half an hour waiting for the “tour guide”. Then, with the tour itself taking a similar amount of time Louise and Nana had been sat outside in the burning sun for almost an hour and Grandad and I had all the money, so they couldn’t get a drink!

Now I know why they call it Poseidon’s Fury.

Once we had a drink we wandered through Seuss Landing.

We rode One Fish, Two Fish.

Emily there, regretting forgetting her sunglasses, that I had purchased for her earlier in the trip at vast expense.

Next, Cat in the Hat, which I’m sure has much less spinning than it used to.

We completed the holy trinity of Suess rides with the Carousel thing. I know, somewhere in the world, somebody exists who has heard and understood the spiel the ride operator says before the ride starts, but it isn’t me.

Once the ride was over Louise struggled to dismount. Other less chivalrous chaps may have laughed and watched her struggle. I did too. I do have photographic evidence but obviously I am not stupid enough to post it here.

We continued our journey around the park, with The Hulk next. We had heard that there was to be a major refurb starting a few days later so this would be the last time we would ride it in its current form.

Nana and Grandad didn’t ride and with our Express passes it took the rest of us about ten minutes to do so. As we came back to the loading area we were held in our seats as the attendants dealt with someone’s lunch which was all over the carriage in front.

Sarah, Grandad and Rebecca did Dr Doom’s Fear Fall next. I’ve never ridden that one and don’t intend to. Instead the rest of us browsed some shops before all riding Spiderman once we were all back together.

Somehow, we got the impression that there may be some rain on the way.

With that in mind, it made absolutely no sense to do the water rides now, so we did. Well, most of us did. Dudley Do Right was first and it was as awesome as it always has been. The most impressive log I had seen all holiday.

Everyone leaves that ride thinking they are wet, until that is they then go on the Bilge Rats ride and experience whole new levels of wetness. We did just that. As we left that ride I blew many dollars on the human drier. It made no difference at all to our clothes but crucially we were able to dry out our paper express photo ID things.

I don’t know what it is, but yet again we entered and left the Jurassic Park bit without stopping. The Jurassic River Ride was down due to the incoming storm and without that is there anything else to do here?

This brought us full circle back to Hogsmeade.

We headed for the train station, hopeful of keeping dry.

I captured the natural beauty of my two daughters whilst in the queue.

It was our longest queue of the day at over half an hour and everyone but especially Grandad was feeling the two long theme park days in our legs.

It is safe to say that capturing the ride’s effects on camera is not easy, so please don’t judge the attraction by these poor efforts.

Why that Weasley is giving Rebecca the middle finger I don’t know.

By the time we arrived at our destination the rain had also arrived. We left the station and found shelter in what I think was the exit of Disaster.

It rained a lot for quite some time. Not quite long enough to persuade me to buy any ponchos or anything daft like that.

After about half an hour the rain died away and we made our way to the same Starbucks we went to yesterday for refreshments. Whilst everyone ordered I took Emily to a nearby shop to get her a hoody as she was freezing in all the air conditioned rides etc. Filled nicely with coffee of various types we once again rode The Mummy, this time without Nana and Grandad.

Next, we undertook a first for everyone by riding Transformers. Honestly, now, I can’t really remember much about it but I think it was very similar to another ride.

After the ride we stumbled upon Megatron.

We rode Minions again, ending our Universal experience as we started it.

It was time to leave and we made our way to The Cowfish for tea (dinner).

No appetisers here as we were saving ourselves for the huge burgers we had been looking forward to experiencing here.

I had…

The Cowfish Has Offically Left The Building (A.K.A. The Hunka, Hunka), which is, Full-pound beef burger, creamy peanut butter, fried bananas, applewood bacon, brioche bun. Choice of side.

It was awesome. I was so busy indulging in that awesomeness that I didn’t write down what anyone else had.

This was Louise’s (I recongise her boobs in the photo).

This must be someone’s burger. I know it isn’t Emily’s as that is her new hoody on the next seat.

I think this is another view of mine.

It made me happy, fat and blurred.

Astonishingly Emily and Rebecca ordered a dessert. I was close to hospitalisation I was that full so I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Rebecca shared this with Sarah.

Emily had cheesecake. As my organs were shutting down due to the enormous calorie intake, my photographic skills were poor.

Somehow I dragged my body around some shops for a little while looking for things for people other than me. Before too long sense prevailed and we ambled on to the water taxi and made it back to the car.

Somehow I managed to operate it and get us back to the villa and our welcoming beds.

Till he next time…..

The Adults Only Tour 2015 – Day Four

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

Day Four – August 30th

Every now and again, I get asked for planning advice for trips to WDW. This is usually from folks I work with as everyone who reads my blog and these reports probably know more about it than I do. These work folks have no idea of the level of my obsession with the whole thing and should they ever find out that I write detailed trip reports about my holidays then my so far stellar career may well be adversely affected. I have long since stopped telling folks about how big a role these holidays have played in my life so far as it is too hard to explain and instead I smile and nod as they tell me they will buy park tickets when they get there and might not do Disney as their kids are all grown up now at 11.

Anyway, the point of all that is to lead into my admission that we are today about to do our third theme park day on the trot and this is, as everyone knows, blasphemy, especially at the start of the holiday. I’m no big fan of rest days but the theme park legs (you know that feeling right?) and jet lag factor make this a very bad idea. Despite us having eighteen days this trip (that’s right, there’s a long way to go yet my dear readers!) for some reason that now escapes me, today had to be Animal Kingdom.

Thankfully this 4am nonsense was over and I didn’t wake until the glorious hour of 7. Breakfasts and showers were had, which doesn’t half make your bagel soggy (not a euphemism). Pleasingly we were out of the villa at around 8.30, the first time, then after someone ran back in to get what they forgot, I reset the alarm, sighed and rolled my eyes a few times, and we left just before 8.40.

As we were going to Animal Kingdom today we used Sherberth Road noting that those dodgy looking apartments just as you turn off the 192 have finally been knocked down. We arrived at the parking booth just before 9, just in time to sit behind some arse that was asking for directions to Disneyland or trying to sing to the cast member to avoid paying the charge, causing me to undertake the traditional ill-tempered scathing rant about idiots who take an age to pay for their parking. It’s all part of the magic.

We parked in Peacock 4 which was close enough for us to walk in rather than tram. Of course, any distance is close enough to walk, but you know what I mean.  Rebecca risked being sent home (and I mean to the UK not the villa) by needing a wee before we went through the turnstiles. I’d already lost several vital minutes by, as ever, choosing the wrong line at bag check and waiting for that one guard who is swabbing everyone’s bag for traces of anything you bought at Universal.

With Rebecca’s empty bladder we finally entered the park and started the march over to Everest.

We had a FastPass+ of course and we all went on apart from Nana who is not a big fan of the going backwards thing.

Now, I know I am not in the strongest of positions to comment on anyone’s choice of hair style, however, whilst waiting to board I had to capture this.

Twice.

Even the lady at the front of the queue stared in disbelief.

In case you were wondering, my trainers were still looking fresh!

This ride is a firm favourite of ours and we always take this photo of course.

Minus Grandad this time, we rode again via the now ten minute standby line. If it were possible, it was better the second time.

We left the ride full of smiles and pumping adrenaline and headed over to the Rapids so that we could get wet as early as possible. As we made our way over, we partook in what is a bit of a traditional game. It started years ago, and it entails Nana trying to get ice cubes stolen from a drinks cart down the back of the girl’s T-shirts.

Everyone joined in and in an over-zealous moment Sarah tried to get Rebecca who quickly spun round causing Sarah to land a perfect left hook on her nose. There were a few tears but thankfully no blood or recriminations. Again, Nana declined to ride as she had just dried out after her last ride of this in 2005.

Another tradition is that on all and every water ride the one person you do not want to be anywhere near is Emily. She always gets drenched. Louise foolishly gambled that this time would be different based on the law of averages. She was wrong. They got absolutely soaked.

Not satisfied with our level of wetness, Grandad, Emily, Sarah and I re-rode immediately with everyone getting their fair share of moistness. After two rides it was inevitable that I’d have a damp snake to photograph.

It was at least 11.30 by now and everyone wanted to eat but were afraid to admit it. I solved the issue by saying I was starving as we passed the Yak and Yeti counter service and we were probably the first customers of the day.

We had –

6 Honey Chickens with rice for everyone but Rebecca

1 BBQ Chicken Stir Fry for Rebecca

Some egg rolls were involved, and I even managed to remember to order my own food this time.

It was very tasty and we’d be full for at least twenty minutes.

Safari time now, so we made our way in that direction.

Having eaten Chinese food we of course had to stop for water about seventeen seconds later. Louise had borrowed Emily’s sunglasses as she couldn’t find her own!

We didn’t have a FastPass so we joined the alleged twenty minute queue. I am still awaiting my day in court with Disney as that twenty minute wait was closer to thirty. Despite the hour of the day, the safari was a good one and produced the usual collection of blurry shots of animals in the middle distance.

That last one is my only celebrity photo of the holiday. You don’t recognise him? It’s Neal….Rhino Neal.

We had a 1pm FastPass for the Festival of The Lion King and time was tight so we set off at a good pace to get to Camp Minnie Mickey. Thankfully we realised that doesn’t exist anymore and that the Lion King is about a five minute walk from the Safari before we’d walked all the way over there.

We were all still a little moist and it was a bit chilly inside the theatre as a result. Louise was fine though. After twenty years with me she is used to being perpetually moist.

The show was as incredible as ever. We always *know* it’s going to be good, but always leave somehow surprised at how good it actually is.

 

How this was the only photo I took during the show I do not know. I think I was Periscoping (not a euphemism), so that was probably to blame.

Keen to see Sarah’s reaction to the ending of It’s Tough To Be a Bug we headed there next.

As ever, there were birds hanging around wherever I went.

Sarah’s reaction did not disappoint and made the whole thing more enjoyable in a sadistic kind of way.

With three theme park days in our legs we were now ready to not do any more theme parking today. We left the park at 2.30 and headed back to the villa. It was so nice to sit on the lanai, drinking, snacking and reading with intermittent swimming.

A few hours later it was time to get ready for our evening’s plans. Later we would be creating shock and awe at Applebees with our eating exploits, but first we’d arranged to meet up with Beryl York and her family at the villa they were staying in at Clear Song. We’ve been Facebook friends with Beryl for years and we are past masters at meeting folks off of the internet in Florida but there’s always that nagging worry that they may be axe murderers who wear their victim’s skins as a coat.

With those thoughts in our heads and Sarah wondering why she had come on holiday with such weirdos who meet random strangers for no apparent reason we drove the short distance to Beryl’s villa.

Of course, within seconds we knew everything was fine and we were welcomed warmly into the huge villa they were renting. I think it was housing about 635 people as they kept coming out of rooms and saying hello. We had a tour of the villa and then sat and chatted for a couple of hours, stupidly forgetting to take any photos whatsoever. Beryl was lovely as were her entire family and their happiness at being in Florida with all of their families was more than obvious. We have met some lovely, lovely people through our Disney holidays and tonight was no exception. Beryl, thank you to you and your family for making us feel so welcome.

We made our way to the 192 to Applebees, stopping at our villa on the way for urgent wees from a couple of females who forgot to go at Beryl’s, apparently.

There was a twenty minute wait for a table at the restaurant so we studied the menu.

Once seated we ordered some Mozzarella sticks and some shrimp thing as appetisers. They didn’t last very long at all and soon we were on to the main event, some of which I even took photos of.

Grandad – Steak and Shrimp

Me – Something called a Hog Dare Ya which was pulled pork related

Louise – Nachos

Nana – Some Shrimp Salad thing

Sarah, Emily and Rebecca – Burgers

 

The bill was $155. The service wasn’t brilliant tonight, in fact the worst we’d had at an Applebees, which was reflected in the tip. Around this point in the proceedings I developed a cold which would remain with me for the rest of the trip. I battled on like a trooper of course, but as you read every day of the trip from here on in, set aside a minute or so to appreciate my struggle and applaud my selfless determination to not moan about it.

We stopped at the Publix ten minutes after it closed so whatever it was we wanted would have to wait until tomorrow. Bed soon followed as I battled with the severe illness, silently, selflessly and without mention of it for several seconds at a time.

Till the next time….

The Adults Only Tour 2015 – Day Three

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

Day Three – August 29th

The novelty of the 4am wake up had worn off at this point. I’m all for it on the first morning as the excitement of getting to a park for the first time numbs the pain of the lack of sleep, but by now, to be honest, I’d rather be sleeping.

Having said that, I was asleep by about 7pm last night so it was to be expected I suppose.

I tossed and turned until about 5am, which made a right mess of the bed sheets. I booted up the villa’s PC, made a brew and a bagel and came back to see it still trying its best. Once online I started doing what every male at a PC does when alone in the wee small hours. I tried to locate a shop that sold trainers. It’s an odd fetish, sure, but I’m not doing anyone any harm.

Louise had “forgotten” her trainers. When I was charging around the house on the day we left at another ungodly hour, before nipping out to pick Sarah up and ensuring that everyone who had been incapable of setting an alarm was actually awake, Louise had casually mentioned that her trainers were in the coat cupboard in the kitchen and could I put them in the case. I forgot/didn’t have time and now it was my fault that she had none and we had to go shopping this morning to get some.

Having located a shop that looked to stock cheap trainers, other folks started to rise around 6am. Rebecca and Sarah took a dip in the pool, which was allowed as we were not due to leave the villa till mid-morning. Traditionally day two is a rest day, but as we’d only been able to get a Be Our Guest reservation today, for lunch, we had to return to the Magic Kingdom, like it or not. The plan was to arrive just before lunch, do BOG and then pick up whatever rides we could despite the crowds.

Just the four and half short hours after I was awake, Louise and I left for the trainer shop. It was about a ten minute drive and after a similar amount of time we realised that the Payless Store was named such as it stocked shite I wouldn’t set on fire to keep warm, much less wear on my feet. Having been foiled in our quest for trainers we went to the next shop along. As the name of the Payless Store had been very honest about the stuff it sold, imagine my concern as we entered this next shop which was called Dicks! Thankfully, it was a sport shop. I did note a subtle difference to JD Sports in that a sign on the door requested that all guns should be left at Customer Services.

Louise tried on a few pairs of trainers, chose the most expensive ones available and we were on our way. But no, Louise spotted a discount women’s clothes shop and we ended up in there for the best part of an hour looking at bras. This morning was not as much fun as you might imagine it to be if you were told you’d be spending your time with Dicks and bras. To top off the fun, we trotted round Target to for more “bits” which included (for some reason I wrote this down) sugar and another bra.

We got back to the villa at 10.45. Amazingly everyone was ready. I walked out again, convinced I’d walked into the wrong villa.

We left at 11.15 and parked in Hook 77. Upon boarding the tram Emily shared her pleasure with the concept of mornings.

Others seemed more awake.

As we left the tram Rebecca had to restroom but at least she had the decency to know how wrong this was and apologise for her weakness. This did mean that we missed the ferry boat that had been docked invitingly for us as we left the tram. So we had a ten minute wait for the next one.

This allowed me ample opportunity to take some photos of the new cabin things at the Poly.

You may, I will admit, find better photographs of these elsewhere on the internet.

Running out of things to photograph, I was pleased that the boat turned up and we boarded.

We waved at folks on the other boat, and soon enough completed the crossing.

Main Street never gets old and I feel compelled to take (the same) photos whenever I set foot on it.

However, I do like the last two, with both the girls with Minnie Ears in front of the castle. I told you my photos were vert artsy.

Our first stop was at a FastPass+ kiosk outside Stitch. This is the closest you will ever find me to this “ride” as it is an abomination and should be killed with fire. I was trying to see if we could add/swap any of our FastPasses for today as they weren’t our ideal selections. Nothing was available so we were advised to come back once we’d used one of our currently booked ones.

We then made our way over to Be Our Guest for our lunch reservation. I’m pretty sure this was meant to be a photo of the Mine Train ride and not a very poor attempt at photographing Louise.

I checked in with a flash of my Magic Band and we were told to join the queue. Surely, the definition of a reservation was to not have to, but hey ho, join we did. Now, the last time we dined here was for dinner and it was truly one of the best experiences we have had at WDW. The theming was incredible, the service great and the food as good as can be expected in a theme park. After we had eaten we had left to an empty (closed) Magic Kingdom and had a lovely stroll out to the exit taking loads of photos and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Often when you try to recreate something like that it is doomed to failure, but Sarah and Nana and Grandad hadn’t been and we felt we should give it a go for them. However, a lack of knowledge on my part with some stupidity thrown in for good measure was to lead to what was a bit of a disappointment.

So this queue went on for an age and I had no idea why. We were given a menu in the queue and eventually once at the front, realised that there were a set of kiosks at which we were to enter our order before we found a table. I honestly had no clue lunch service was like this, so that’s my own lack of research, but I didn’t feel great about it.

Ordering in this manner for seven people is not the easiest task in the world, plus, as we’ve established over the years, I’m stupid. So as we got to our table and our sandwiches (that’s pretty much all you can get) arrived, we were missing one…mine. Yep, I had been so intent on making sure everyone had ordered theirs, I forgot to do my own. So I had to go back to a kiosk and ask the CM if I could sneak in and order one more, which of course they let me do.

The theming of course was still lovely…

However, by the time I had ordered mine and got back to the table everyone else had finished. Again, I know this is my own fault!!  Drinks were obtained from a McDonalds style dispenser and the whole thing was a bit like eating a football match. Had I known lunch was done in this way we probably would not have bothered. My own incompetence apart with the ordering cock up the whole thing felt incredibly mass market (yes, I know I’m in a theme park, but I know it can be done better than this….cos Disney do it!).

Add to all this that Louise’s beef sandwich arrived still mooing and had to be sent back, and we can declare this not to be our favourite dining experience to date.

I can however confirm that this stuff is indeed delicious.

We did a few photos as we left…

and headed over to Jungle Cruise for our first FastPass. It was very, very hot which meant that Louise declined the ride in favour of sitting in the sun. The rest of us boarded our second boat of the day.

I had to record the back side of water of course.

Our captain was good, but not the best we’ve had. It got a bit wet, but luckily I had some trunks to hand.

As we had done Small World yesterday we changed our FastPass for it now to Buzz. Yes, we did that one yesterday too, but Small World is a labour of love and need not be repeated. Plus, I had pride and revenge to seek out score wise.

Our next FastPass was for Peter Pan. Alas we were too early to ride so we went to get a drink at Pinocchio’s place. We sat outside under some brollies in the incredible heat letting our sweat run freely wherever it wanted to.

Soon enough, we could do Peter Pan, which funnily enough was something often heard when Jim Davison was in pantomime.

Next, we wandered over to Tomorrowland, with some clouds threatening to add to our moistness. It was so humid that frankly I was willing the heavens to open.

In need of some air con and a sit down we decided to go into Carousel Of Progress for both.

Grandad was asleep in seconds but the rest of us sang along like all normal folks are compelled to.

We had a look around the Merchant of Venus shop next and Emily got some sunglasses to avoid her looking so squinty in every photograph. At this point Grandad’s God Shoes (he meant to say Jesus Sandals but once he’d called them God Shoes once, the name stuck) broke. The strap at the back was hanging off and he was now hobbling around trying not to lose it! In an attempt to take his mind off that we went into the Laugh Club.

Rebecca was featured in the pre-show where they show audience members on the screen which delighted her almost as much as it pleased Emily, as it meant it wasn’t her up there. How two daughters raised identically by the same parents can be so different is mind blowing.

After another enjoyable show here we went next door for our recently acquired FastPass for Buzz. I scored a much more respectable 293,000. Louise left claiming something around 500,000, which frankly I didn’t believe.

Space Mountain had a wait beyond our tolerance, so we decided to step out of the crippling heat for a little while by venturing over to a monorail resort for a drink and a sit down. The Contemporary was the nearest so we ended up there, up in the Outer Rim bar.

We were all glad of the cool and the comfort.

I contemplated important things like the meaning of life, why I have more than one chin and why I gave Louise the camera.

The girls sat a suitable distance away from us so as not to be linked in any way to Grandad’s broken God Shoes.

We had a couple of rounds of drinks including beers and cocktails as the promised rain came down in some style. After two hours and a growing bar bill there was no sign of it stopping so we ditched the plans we had to go back into the park and headed for food and home in that order.

To prevent us getting drenched on the way I handed out the ponchos I had stuffed into Ryan earlier. It was a nice touch to find these in the garage at the villa saving us multiple dollars! What I didn’t know was that one of them was a child’s size and Sarah got that one. What followed was a hilarious few minutes as she tried to put it on only to have it stuck over her head for about two minutes whilst the rest of us laughed supportively.

Here she is, once again, able to breathe.

We got the monorail out to the TTC where it was as damp as we had expected.

We headed towards the villa not knowing where we would eat. I spotted a Black Angus at the junction of the 192 and our turning onto Old Lake Wilson Road and suggested that. We had a great meal at one of these back in 2004 or 2005, so of course that guaranteed the same tonight!

I did the gentlemanly thing and pulled the car right up to the door to let everyone out before I went off to park, knowing I would be soaked by the time I sat down to eat. As everyone was piling out I felt a bump and the whole car rocked. It turned out a chap reversing out of the disabled spot by the door had hit us. He was very apologetic and as no damage could be seen at all and more to the point it was absolutely pissing it down, we didn’t feel the need to get his details and we let him drive off, with him expressing his thanks.

My notes on what everyone had are patchy, but here goes.

Me and Emily – Southern Fried Chicken and Mash

Grandad – Steak (detailed, I know).

Nana – Burger

I have no clue what was had by everyone else but it all seemed to go down pretty well. Rebecca was struggling a bit with women problems so she didn’t eat that much and was a bit quiet and grumpy. With that in mind and our dampness this meal won’t go down in the history books as one to remember but it was fine.

We paid $160 and ventured out again into the rain. I ran to get the car and avoided any further collisions as everyone boarded at the door. The rain intensified as we drove home and the lightning was incredible. We were home and in bed by 10.

Till the next time…..

The Adults Only Tour 2015 – Day Two

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

Day Two – Friday 28th August

Ah, the traditional first day ritual of waking up at a time nobody should know about, especially those on their holidays. Imagine my delight at being so only because somebody phoned me at 4.23am. Who knows how long I may have slept on for….maybe even all the way until half past!

I ignored the call of course, but then saw a voicemail had been left, so I thought I’d better see what it was in case I’d won the lottery or the UK’s sexiest male again. The call was from my bank. It would seem that I had gone overdrawn, and several payments presented were about to be refused and they suggested I got in touch. This did seem odd to me as today was pay day, and as pricey as the airport breakfast was, my wage should be covering most of that.

I got online and found that my account was sadly missing any form of salary payment for me which was, as you can imagine, a mild concern. Eventually I called the bank and explained that, as I had discovered with a bit of googling, HSBC were having all sorts of trouble sending payments and my employers happened to bank with them. It would appear that my salary payment was stuck in some HSBC pipe somewhere and would be in my account in due course.

The bank chap said he knew about the HSBC issue. So that was all sorted then surely? I had been with my bank since 1987 and never missed a payment to anyone and he could see right in front of him how much I got paid each month and from whom it came. Imagine my chagrin as he went on to say that if I did not pay in that day then all the payments presented would be returned and I would be charged.

Put it down to the lack of sleep if you like, but the next couple of minutes were a bit like the clip from Pulp Fiction…you know the Samuel L Jackson soliloquy? I pointed out that I was overseas and therefore unable to “nip into a branch” to pay in. I also outlined my disgust at his lack of understanding of one of their “black” customers. This was not a racial comment. I have a “special” account with them reserved for those with enough stupidity to pay a monthly fee for it to supposedly get some sort of personal service.

Bollocking somebody at a whisper, so as not to wake anyone else up, from 4000 miles away is a new skill, but I mastered it quite quickly. The call ended with a promise of paying everything and no charges being made. It turns out my salary hit my account later that day and all this nonsense was for naught. Sigh. OK, on with the holiday.

With zero chance of getting back to sleep I got some orange juice from the fridge and settled down to watch some adverts on the telly.

Around 6am I began the task of waking everyone else up. There was no way I was going to be up from 4.20 and not be at a park for opening. I started with the girls, predicting them to be the most painful but when I went back into my bedroom, Louise let off a tirade of abuse not seen since my call with the bank. Having woken her I retreated to the lounge once again, leaving her to come around. When I ventured back in some minutes later the reason for her foul mood was that the clock next to her side of the bed was wrong and it read 4.30am rather than the now 6.30am. How we laughed!

It took until 7.38 (precisely) to be out of the villa. I took up, what would become my customary position by the alarm panel waiting for everyone else to get out so I could set it. The really funny part of this EVERY DAY was just as I thought everyone was finally out on the drive and I pressed the button to set the alarm, someone would come back in, apologising that they had forgotten something. Again, how we laughed…each and every time.

Still, this was not a bad time to be out and heading for the Magic Kingdom. We breezed out of the villa development and onto the main road up to the 192. We turned right and we were immediately greeted with stationery traffic and this….

I have to admit to having a slight mood on at this point. The world was conspiring against me at every turn in my quest to have some fun. I will not have it be said that there are greater problems in the world! With the bank stress and now this I had half a mind to set the sat nav for the airport and give it up as a bad job.

A long ten minutes of not getting very far passed and the traffic then eased. Whilst sat in the queue a large wasp had attached itself to Louise’s window. She loves wasps and did not jump about three feet into the air when she saw it.

Once calm again she grabbed the camera and took too many photos of it as our speed increased and it continued to hold on defiantly.

Louise’s ability to focus on entirely the wrong thing in a photo is impressive.

The wasp left us at the junction of the 192 and we took a right in the direction of World Drive. For many years, having stayed around Formosa and Lindfields we have usually taken the Sherberth Road route into the parks so entering the official opening was a novelty and something I vowed to continue in other areas of my life.

With Sarah with us, as a first timer, there was something quite correct about going under this sign on the way in.

We arrived at the Ticket and Transportation Centre at 8.10. This pleased me and offered some reward for the ridiculous speeds I was doing up World Drive. “But officer, it’s our first morning, I’m all excited and we were stuck behind a truck for ten minutes!”

Emily had a voucher for her short term park ticket (to cover the few days until she got her Cast Member one) so she and I went to a ticket window to swap that. I also collected a First Visit badge (they are NOT buttons) for Sarah and a Birthday one for Rebecca. Sure, her birthday was back in May, but this trip was part of her present and so celebrate we would.

No sane person takes the ferry boat on their first day, so a monorail journey and the first poking of my sack (Hello Ryan!) saw us stood outside the Magic Kingdom in time for the opening ceremony.

See, that phone is still there.

With the show done, the large crowd moved slowly into the park with us right in the middle of it. Eventually we got to the Holy Grail that is Main Street and took in the sights and sounds and the realisation that we were finally home again. It had been too long!

I expertly walked backwards taking snaps as we went. Stopping is for amateurs.

I think I have one of these shots from every year we’ve been!

The new hub looked lovely.

With Pirates closed, our natural left turn meant that we would be heading for either some Splash or some Thunder. This is pretty typical for me after air line food and it may take a few days to sort itself out.

As we passed Pirates we saw a group of new cast members on a tour of the park. It was funny to think Emily would be doing that in a few short days.

Splash it was.

It was a walk on and this first ride is always a special time. The endless possibilities of the holiday to come in your mind, the very real magic of one of the best rides in WDW and the near euphoria of finally being there after months of planning and anticipation.

As we left the ride Grandad declared that he needed the loo. This, frankly, was unacceptable behaviour after just one ride and I made my feelings clear on the matter. We would have to make those minutes up later from his own time.

Naturally, Thunder was next.

Nana declined to ride and again it was a walk on. Always fun and surprisingly fast.

Our natural Disney navigation systems took us down towards the Haunted Mansion now and as we arrived we saw a thirteen minute wait posted which we guessed meant a walk on.

It was a joy to see Sarah’s reaction to the stretching room and all the theming that is done so well. There had been a few changes in a recent refurb which were nice to see and the traditional stops during the ride of course happened too. I can hear the voice now telling me to remain in my buggy.

As we left the Mansion some weaker folks spoke of their need of a drink and sit down. There was clearly some form of mutiny happening but in the interests of cordiality I agreed. We went over to the snack place in Liberty Square and got a variety of stuff that I couldn’t be bothered writing down. I had a drink and a banana anyway. As we chatted an elderly Cast Member approached us and started to chat. He was called Fred and we spent a good ten minutes talking to him about all sorts of stuff. He asked how many times we’d been, which was a few more than him and he’d worked there for thirty-two years!

We spoke about Emily starting work and it being Sarah’s first time and he quizzed us a little too much it seemed on the make-up of our party. He seemed delighted when he learned that we were three generations of the same family, plus Sarah, a first timer. As we were making to leave (I’m sorry Fred, no matter how charming you are I can feel the queues getting longer) he said he had a question for us. Anywhere but a Disney park and I’d have been listening for banjo music and squealing pigs.

Would we like to take part in the parade this afternoon as Grand Marshalls?

Well, my smile gave him the answer immediately. Of course we would!! We were shocked, delighted and excited in equal measure. He told us where to be and when and said he would see us there later. We wandered off not quite sure what to make of the whole thing. In my dazed state even I went for a wee and then we somehow ended up in It’s a Small World.

Clearly Louise had the camera again.

Still a bit dazed we left the ride and someone else went for a wee. If we can’t co-ordinate our bladders better than this, it could be a frustrating holiday.

Philharmagic was next and we timed it perfectly, entering the holding area just as the doors opened. The show wasn’t full but this did not stop me having to be restrained by Louise as I went for those stopping half way down a row like some drunk outside a nightclub who has had his kebab knocked from his hands.

About half way through the show, starting to regather myself a little I suddenly remembered all this FastPass+ stuff I’d done many weeks ago. I checked my app and sure enough we had a FastPass for Buzz in a few minutes. I spent the last minutes of Philharmagic trying to calculate the distance to Buzz and the speed at which I’d have to get everyone moving to get there in time. We did our best but we arrived as a collective sweaty mess five minutes after our FastPass slot had ended. Looking at the forty minute standby queue I gave everyone a slap for not walking quickly enough. With our newly gained Grand Marshall status I figured it was worth trying to use the FastPass anyway and strode confidently to the pole thingy. I waved my ticket at it (we had not yet had time to get bands of magic) and it lit up and turned green. If your pole does that, see a doctor immediately.

Six more waves of tickets and we were all in.

The score on this ride is not the point at all. It is merely the fun of riding that counts.

As my planning skills are awesome, just as we left Buzz, with me scalding Emily for poor sportsmanship and gloating, our slot for Space Mountain rolled around. We made our way over and again minus a Nana, entered. This is me with the camera, but this is artsy and intentional, not out of focus.

My notes tell me someone else restroomed prior to Space. My disgust at that time did not allow me to document who.

This was a great ride. Having Sarah along meant that finally someone on it screamed louder than I did.

As we left the ride we took the chance to get our Magic Bands in the shop at the exit. It was painless yet expensive.

To allow some form of resting without actually resting, we boarded the people mover thing.

As ever, this was a nice breezy sit down.

There had been a disgusting lack of food so far today so we were due to remedy that right now with a buffet attack at the Crystal Palace. We wandered over past the castle, through the new hub area.

We were a little early, for probably the first and last time this trip, but I figured if they added together our lateness for Buzz and our earliness for lunch we’d be about right. We were. I checked in and more or less as soon as I had that thing in my hand it went off and we were taken to our table.

I was pretty restrained food wise to be honest. A little salad to start and just the one visit for “mains”, with no dessert. Listen, we’re here for eighteen days and if I go off at full tilt I’ll have to be winched out of the front of the villa by a reality TV show.

One clear disadvantage of a large touring party is that when characters appear, there are often multiple cameras in use. The girls want one for their phone(s) plus my Dad has his camera out and they are all competing with my official record of the event with the real camera. So what happens is this…

After all that food, a large Pooh was inevitable.

Then, back to the food.

Emily likes to look her best for the camera.

A rare shot of me and a rarer shot that is actually in focus from Louise.

Our server had fallen for our dastardly plan of pretending it was Rebecca’s birthday and brought her a nice cup cake. We all sang to her and were immediately condemned to eternal damnation for our evil deceit.

She also got a lovely card signed by the characters.

Eeyore turned up suitably late.

I’ve taken better photos. The one on Rebecca’s phone was no doubt great.

As an aside, here are the girls from way back in 2004 in more or less the same spot. Time does indeed fly.

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The bill was as sizeable as expected at $304. I was left all alone at the table to settle the bill whist everyone else buggered off to the shops. Once relieved of my wealth I caught them up during a traditional silly hat try on session.

By this time we had to make our way to meet Fred for our appointment with the parade. We wandered all the way back to Splash Mountain to the gate where the parade starts and ends from (either, not both). We were a little early and met Brian, our official photographer…I kid you not. He took some shots whilst we waited for Fred and started what would be the royal treatment from start to end.

Once Fred arrived we were given Mickey hats to wear and told that we’d have some free photos from Brian’s work to collect on Main Street later. We also got certificates to confirm our Grand Marshall status. He took us backstage to where our car was waiting for us and we climbed in.

We chatted with Fred and the driver until the other Cast Member with us shouted “Thirty Seconds” whilst touching her ear piece which was clearly just for effect! We were told to “smile and wave boys” for the duration and look out for Brian taking photos as we went.

Here we are doing as we were told.

A Dibber/blog reader had just spotted us and shouted “Where’s Ryan?” so I did the decent thing and showed them my sack. It was hard work smiling and waving for that amount of time but the whole thing was surreal and bloody marvellous. During the parade we had a few shouts from people who lived in Bolton or thereabouts. We were announced across the park as the Williams family and Sarah Prince from Bolton at regular intervals.

As we pulled into the backstage area at the side of City Hall we thanked everyone in a two-mile radius about twenty times.

We were then escorted to a roped off area right at the end of the parade route and we were told that Brian would continue to take photos as we watched the parade pass by. So we waited for the parade to arrive.

And here we are watching the parade. Thanks Hilary for pointing me at this vlog which captured us. We appear from around 5m 30 seconds in.

Be warned, there are a lot of parade photos.

We got up close and personal with some of the characters…sometimes a little too close.

See how Ariel delights in seeing me all sweaty in my tight T-shirt and attractive baggy shorts.

When it was over, we wandered, still shell shocked by the whole thing, to the photo shop. We viewed all the ones Brian had taken and choose our freebies to have printed there and then. We linked to rest to my MDE for viewing later.

Not sure how we’d top what had just happened, either today or ever again we made our way out of the park. This being Sarah’s first ever day in a Disney park, it may have set the bar a little too high!

We monorailed to the tram stop and we left our parking spot in Aladdin to make our way to the Publix supermarket close to our villa for yet more shopping. We got back to the villa at 5.15 and right on cue the rain came down. To be honest, we were beyond spent for today and we all just collapsed in various places of rest and I think I was asleep at about 7pm. What a day!

Till the next time…….

The Going Limp In Orlando Tour 2013 – Day One – Sunday 18th August 2013

by mkingdon, posted in mkingdon, Walt Disney World

As promised, here is Day One of this year’s trip report. I’m now intending to write the rest of it, and get it all out in the form of an eBook as quickly as possible. I reserve the right to change Day One between now and then as I’ll probably spot some mistakes in it!

I’ve been asked if I will post it on the Dibb as well, and the answer is maybe. I say maybe only because posting this thing in one format is time consuming enough, so to do it here, the Dibb and in an eBook is a mighty task. I don’t see much point in posting just one day there right now, with a huge gap until the rest is ready, so I’ll wait until it is complete and try to put the whole thing up in one go.

I am very open to feedback on where and how you’d prefer to read this thing (if at all!). Hopefully between the Dibb and eBook you can consume it in the manner that suits you best.

Enough caveats….here we go…..

The Cast

Craig aka mkingdon – On the cusp of 43, mental age of 3. Waist measurement slightly higher than that.

Louise – As ever, on the cusp of a greater age than me, student nurse, qualified mother, bad flyer, keen amateur red wine drinker.

Emily – Recently 18, the reason for this trip, Disney freak, One Direction obsessed and a beautiful creature.

Rebecca – 16 going on 26, boyfriend obsessed, with a makeup habit that would bankrupt a Sheik. Another beautiful creature.

Ryan – A rucksack whose growing fame is a constant source of confusion and mild resentment.

Introduction

This holiday was officially not happening for most of the preceding year. We had of course booked it, and had things planned, but we had kept all of this a secret, as it was to be a surprise present for Emily’s 18th birthday at the end of July.

The determination, caution and downright luck in keeping things a secret were incalculable, but somehow we managed to do the big reveal to her on the evening of her birthday in front of all the family. There were tears and joy in equal measure. Emily blubbed a bit too.

If you want to see how that went, and an enormous amount of back story you can read it here.

The title of this year’s trip report is inspired by Louise and I being aged cripples. Louise has a long standing ankle problem which causes her grief on a regular basis. Indeed on our last trip she spent the last day being pushed around the Magic Kingdom in a wheelchair.

As I career at a frightening pace towards old age, my body too seems to hate me, and with about a week to go to this trip my right knee decided to play up. So the title is a reference to old age, but not the in the way you may think! The limp to which I refer are the ones carried by Louise and I through the trip. Not that you will hear me moan about it at any time.

Day One – Sunday 18th August

There are many inescapable truths about undertaking a holiday to Orlando, and two of them I shall document now. The first is that no matter how far in advance you book, plan and prepare, you will always wish you’d spent more time doing so as you realise you have forgotten to do something or you have made a mistake.

The second is that the days leading up to your holiday will be some of the busiest of the year. Perhaps that is just me? Louise has a compulsion to rebuild our house before we leave, and will undertake cleaning tasks previously unheard of in our normal routine, that now become essential before the immovable deadline of our departure.

So, what planning disaster befell me? The day before our departure I had logged on to the American Airlines website in an excited mood, ready to do the online check in thing. I filled out all the required information, clicked the button and was greeted with a nasty red error message. I do not have the best track record with online check in to be honest and can’t remember too many (any) occasions when I have done it with any measure of success.

My failure this time was linked to my activity months ago, when I had entered our API information (Advanced Passenger Information) into the American Airlines site. I had made an error with one of the passport expiry dates (Louise’s) and when I entered the correct one during check in, the site spotted the conflict and immediately suspected I was plotting some terrorist activity.

SWAT teams dropped from helicopters outside of our house, my bank accounts were immediately frozen, and my own passport burst into flames in front of me. I actually didn’t mind the frozen bank accounts thing as it might stop Louise from spending any more money in Boots.

Despite some desperate pressing of buttons over and over, the result did not change. Louise offered some opinion on this but I shall not sully this report with it.

Deflated, I resigned myself to having to check in with the muggles at the actual airport in the morning.

The rest of the day was a whirlwind of chores and tasks that I would rather not be doing, and we retired to bed staring at a 4am alarm call, which for once I didn’t mind at all.

It felt like not a lot of sleep happened before that alarm went off, and as Louise did whatever women folk do in the bathroom, Oli, our Old English Sheep dog jumped, well no, he stepped on to the bed, and lay on me for half an hour. I considered this his punishment for his impending trip to the kennels.

With three females to contend with, I was informed when my seventeen seconds of bathroom time had arrived and I used it wisely. Once I was dressed I continued with more chores and tasks that I didn’t want to do.

Putting the rubbish out, hoovering, and then hovering in bedrooms telling women folk that they needed to stop using their straighteners now as I had to cool the bloody things down and get them into a case this side of Christmas. By the time I had wrestled said cases into our not very spacious car, I had a nice sweat on. Nobody wants to be moist at 5am.

Of course, no matter how late we were, nothing stops me herding the girls into position for the traditional photo.

As would be the case for pretty much all of the holiday we were about half an hour behind (my) schedule. This meant the goodbye to Oli lasted about six seconds (He’s a dog, get in the car!) and we were at last on our way to Manchester airport.

With the car pretty much full to capacity, the journey was a gentle one, not wishing to snap an axle and we arrived at 6.30. I of course drove to the wrong car park, and had to carry out several illegal manoeuvres and some illegal language to get us back on track.

Once we were at the right place, it was a very smooth process. Terminal 3 Meet and Greet is to be recommended and commended. Basically it works like the hire car places at Orlando airport where you drive into a lane, grab your cases from the boot, drop your keys and head for the terminal. They give you a receipt that you won’t be able to find in two weeks’ time.

Terminal 3 is just a short walk across the road, and at this stage I was unable to contain myself and I arrived much sooner than Louise. This I believe is a medical condition and happens to everyone from time to time, and isn’t a big deal. Once we were reunited we took the lift up to Departures. I found the correct check in desk smoothly without any incompetence or the need to ask a disparaging American Airlines rep where check in was whilst I was stood right in front of it. The lost half hour caused by hair doing and woman faff had cost us our place at the front of the queue, and we were now disappointingly nestled in with other people.

After a security check and passport check in which we confirm that we are handling nothing incendiary aside from the contents of my underwear, we were then pointed at a self-serve kiosk and told to get on with it. Luckily, with me being a technical genius we flew through this without incident or help, and in no way needed some patronising member of staff to come over and ask why we were taking so long.

After dropping the cases off and breezing through security without the need for any cavity invasions, we were now free to tick the most important of pre-flight boxes, and that is food. Now they have these full body scanners, I leave several members of security in a state of admiration, awe and envy as they all review my scan for several minutes. “He certainly was packing heat” was what I thought they said as I walked away.

Being Terminal 3 virgins we wandered wide eyed, agog at the vast array of eating options. After looking at the one restaurant and the couple of shops we plumped for the former.

Louise has to release a chocolate hostage before anything else happened, so the girls and I grabbed a table and I took the brave step of ordering for Louise.

I tried to take some photos, but it was a bit early.

We had –

Me and Louise – Eggs Benedict

Not the best we’ve ever had, and made very difficult to eat by the frankly crap knife.

Emily and Rebecca – (Blurred) Berry Yoghurt Thing

Orange Juice all round, and coffee for the grownups.

Once food was ingested, everyone felt up to a photo.

The bill was £33, which was some £20 or so less than I was expecting for airport dining.

Whilst waiting for our food to arrive, we were chatting. Well to be exact, the girls were on their phones and occasionally giggling to themselves. Rebecca re-entered the real world for a second to share a photo with us of Beyonce’s new haircut.

Louise looked at the photo, and said. “I preferred her with a big bush”.

My views on Beyonce’s bush were unrecorded in my notes.

The Duty Free shop, which is pretty much anything but free, drew Louise in like Jimmy Saville to a school disco. There was lots of spraying, and thankfully no paying to be done.

2013-08-18 03.20.33

We then called at Boots for “some essentials”. I stayed outside to be honest as it would have just resulted in a row. We have more Boots stock in our possession than they had in this shop, but still purchases were made.

WH Smiths took yet more of my meagre wealth, including the purchase of a colouring book for Rebecca. Yes, she is sixteen, and yes the book was six quid. I need my head examined.

Costa was next. The girls had one of those frozen crapachino things, and I think the adults had warm proper coffee. We found some seats to wait in, and then waited. Rebecca coloured in, Emily stared at her phone and I captured both.

Rebecca got her very lovely grown up top covered in very childish green felt tip pen. We are convinced that even on her wedding day she will get some sauce down the front of her dress.

When we were checking in (do you remember that far back?), we had been told that our flight to Chicago was delayed by an hour. I was already mentally preparing my multi-million dollar compensation claim when I spotted the departure boards now showing that it would depart on time. They were messing with my melon man!

We drank our coffees and Louise took some of her (legal) medication to help her get through the flight. I’m not saying it sends her a bit loopy or anything, but a few minutes later she did come out with the phrase, “Have I got coffee on my eyebrows?”

The more worrying part of that is that she did indeed have coffee on her eyebrows. Remember kids, the drugs don’t work.

At around 9.50 we wandered down to gate 55, and fortunately this was also where we would be flying from. The “on time” departure of 10.40 already looked unlikely to me as the staff were messing about paging folks for chats at the desk, and mostly not getting anyone on board the plane.

Boarding started around 10.40, which was when we were supposed to be setting off. They started boarding in groups with the first to board being those who were members of American Airline’s clubs, which included about seventeen different variations based on precious stones. There were calls for Sapphire Club Members, Diamond Club Members, Gold Club Members and I’m sure there was a Topaz Club in there somewhere. I boarded when Brassic Club members were called.

The sheer number of folks in these priority boarding clubs outnumbered the clubless scum which seems to me to devalue them somewhat. Luckily, despite our delayed boarding, there were still seats left for us. That was a relief.

We actually took off at about 11.40, which was the time they said we were delayed until at check in. Having only a two hour connection window in Chicago, I now knew that things would be tighter than a tight thing with us now being an hour behind. I therefore spent the next eight hours or so worrying about that.

Louise was now on the wrong end of 10mg of Diazepam, and for all she knew we could have been on a coach trip to Blackpool.

I’ll pay for including that!

She added a few red wines to that during the flight, so it was like flying with a cross between Oliver Reed and Pete Docherty.

We stared at quite a lot of this….

Until the food arrived.

It tasted better than it looked, and the carrot balls made Rebecca laugh for longer than it really should.

At this point the first film was about half way through. It was the Steve Carrell one about the magician. As we were seat back TV-less pretty much nobody actually noticed it starting and having missed half of it I certainly didn’t try to catch up.

The second film was disappointing to be honest. It was the Avenger’s Assemble one that’s been out for ages, so I thought that was quite poor to show that to be honest. In a desperate attempt to eat some time I watched about an hour of it.

In between heads passing the screen, and the reflective glare from the windows blocking the view, I gave up on Scarlett Johannsen and I then read for a bit.

Somehow Louise got her hands on the camera, with inevitable results.

It is often hard to convey the litany and boredom of a Trans-Atlantic flight, as you end up skipping about six hours of tedium by just saying that eventually we arrived.

So please stare at this for seven hours before proceeding.

After more food, which was a delightful bit of pizza, of which I may have had more than one piece, hoovering up those bits not required by offspring, eventually, we started to descend. As ever that took about four times as long as was estimated and hoped for. I have to say that I would not willingly connect in Chicago again. I had completely ignored the fact that Chicago is actually quite a long way from the east coast of the US, and added a considerable amount of flying time. New York or Philadelphia are preferable, and my all-time favourite connection destination is Atlanta.

As we were plummeting to the ground in a controlled manner one of the cabin staff made an announcement. Nobody heard her, so she tried again over the tannoy system and that worked a little better.

I heard the first bit, which told me that I really needed to listen to the rest of it. She started with something like, “For those making connections to the following flights, (she included Orlando), as your connection times are tight, there will be staff on hand to assist you make your connection….”

At this point Louise “drink and drugs” Williams turned to me and asked me what the hostess had said and what we had to. I tried to listen to the announcement and respond at the same time, failing at both. Louise took this to mean I was ignoring her, and took the right hump with me. I caught about half of the information I needed from the announcement and took the right hump too.

Obviously this in no way led to a falling out at this stage of the holiday. Louise of course quickly realised that she had been completely in the wrong, apologised and we moved on.

We landed at 1.50, with our onward flight to Orlando leaving at 2.50. This was going to be close. As we walked down the ramp from the plane we could hear a voice shouting “Orlando!” I am often mistaken for Mr Bloom, so I ignored this as best I could as I had no time for these crazy females throwing themselves at me.

Shortly, we found an airport person stood with a group of folks, and she too was shouting “Orlando”. I approached; she confirmed my last name and gave me a very important looking Express Connection folder which I was to have in my hands at all times.

Once she had collected all thirty two folks making the Orlando connection she had us all marching through the airport. She did allow a restroom stop, and I broke the world record for tutting as I watched those weak of mind and bladder take those vital minutes to do the do.

Onwards again, and we were marched to a VIP line at immigration, and almost immediately processed to the absolute disgust of the hordes of folks in the queue. I wafted my special orange envelope around a bit, and smiled at them smugly. This didn’t last long as the immigration officer processing us looked at our flight time to Orlando, shook her head and said good luck!

Next, on to the baggage reclaim. All the cases for Orlando were already out and lined up next to the carousel with our airport escort encouraging each passenger on to greater speed like some sort of relay coach at the Olympics.

We barely stopped, and headed for the customs check where they seem to frown upon you carrying six dozen burgers and a bag of sheep shit. Looking at the impressive orange coloured thing I had in my hand he waved us through.

We were then abandoned a little at the monorail to the correct terminal, and with barely minutes to spare, there was an element of panic at this stage. This wasn’t helped when the first monorail we boarded promptly broke down and we had to quickly transfer to another. Once off, we were stuck behind some folks who were inexplicably in no rush whatsoever, despite the fact that we knew them to be on our flight to Orlando. They stood still on every escalator and walkway rather than walking.

They were exposed to my most vicious stare.

Now it was security, and they gave not one toss what colour the thing in my hand was. We still had to more or less strip down to our undies and pass everything we were carrying through the X-Ray. At the other side of security our “assistant” appeared again, and pointed us towards our gate, which as she remarked with some irony, was the furthest one away.

We power walked, jogged and sprinted towards it, knowing that the scheduled departure time had already passed. As I got close to the gate I kicked on, to make sure they couldn’t close it. I’d wrestle folks if I had to.

I threw some boarding cards and other random pieces of paper at the chap on the desk, who found the right ones and handed me back some sweet wrappers and receipts. Louise and the girls caught up shortly afterwards and we knew we’d made it. As we sat down, one more family boarded after us and with that the door closed and we pushed back, basking in the loving stares of all the passengers we had just delayed. You’re welcome!

The whole Chicago airport experience was just an absolute blur, and an experience I do not want to repeat. For anyone doing this connection, you need at least two hours. We were rushed and prioritised through every stage and it still took us over an hour.

We left just fifteen minutes later than scheduled.

We were seated in two lots of two a few rows apart, and we could see Rebecca chatting away to an old bloke on the end of their row. No doubt he had a shared interest in make-up, fit boys and Beyonce’s bush.

For the next two hours we then looked at this and sighed in relief.

It was a little bumpy, and the pilot said he was having to fly around some weather in the Orlando area so we came in the scenic route via the coast. As ever it seemed to take an age to actually get down onto the ground, but we were off quickly, and immediately found a restroom for Emily as she had needed one about sixty miles out of Manchester.

Onwards now to the monorail to baggage reclaim, and after only a few minutes we had what we needed and took the elevator (not lift) to the car hire desks. After all this travelling, queuing and being processed, this was the longest queue of the entire journey. There were only two people in front of me and one being served, but there appeared to be only agent at the Thrifty desks, and for some reason, everyone apart from me seems to require an hour to sign a few forms and collect some car keys.

I shifted from foot to foot a few hundred times and sighed quite loudly as my form of protest. Finally a second member of staff showed up, and after an eternity I was being “served”. I’ve done the car hire thing a good few times now, and have encountered varying degrees of skulduggery to extract extra dollars, but this chap was at a whole new level.

He tapped at his keyboard and furrowed his brow. He said “You’ve only ordered an Economy???????” in a tone of voice that suggested I may have murdered some small animals.

“Yes, that’ll be fine for us” I said, quite patiently, considering I’d been awake for about twenty hours.

He then went on to tell me that this would be smaller than a Fiesta, and we would struggle to fit in. I told him, as calmly as I could that I had transported my family and luggage to the airport in a Peugeot 107, which would most likely fit in the trunk (I speaka da lingo) of whatever car I was going to get here.

He begrudgingly accepted defeat on that one.

As he was winding up, he casually slipped in that I wouldn’t have to worry about any tolls, as all that was prepaid.

“Oh, is it now?“ I asked him how much that was.

Reluctant to tell me, he muttered “$26 a week”.

I ever so politely told him that I didn’t intend to ride up and down through tolls for the entire holiday and we’d be fine to pay with cash.

Again, he reluctantly gave in, removed that charge and had me sign for the tank of gas, which is also a con, but at $45 not one I could be bothered arguing about now.

Feeling dirty and somehow invaded, I guided us across the road to the garage. Having waited an eternity to be almost fiscally raped at one desk, I could not understand why we now stood in another queue in the garage.

As we waited, Emily spied a car she hoped we’d have. I was less hopeful.

When served all they did was point us at the Economy row and tell me to pick one.

I would have, but the row was empty. I found an employee getting out of a car in the Compact row, and she told me to just take one of those instead! We chose the closest one to us, a white Ford Focus, the boot of which swallowed our luggage without noticing, and we were off. We should have chosen a different car, but all that will become clear a little later.

I never learn, and every year I am so keen to get where I am going that I set off without doing some basic essentials such as –

  • Getting the seat into a position from which I can actually drive the car
  • Working out what all the knobs and levers do
  • Especially working out how to work the wipers, as it ALWAYS rains on our drive from the airport

As some sort of cosmic irony, after paying for a couple of tolls with paper dollars (not coins) at manned booths, as we left the 428 we came to an unmanned, exact change only toll for 75 cents. We did not have 75 cents and so we sat staring at the thing for a couple of minutes wondering what to do.

Eventually I took one of the envelopes that would allow me to pay by post, drove off and watched the camera flash away as it recorded my crime.

The chap at Thrifty was laughing manically back at the airport.

As ever, all my navigational confidence flew out of the window once I was actually trying to find our destination, despite dozens of trips in the past. Eventually, I found Old Key West, passing some landmarks we recognised.

I parked up in the short term check in car park, and left the ladies in the car.

This was a much better experience than Thrifty. I had checked in online weeks ago, so all I had to was collect the room keys/charge cards, not be given the PIN to operate them for charging (I would return tomorrow to sort that, as I didn’t know that yet), and then be told to wait a second.

Out of the back comes a chap carrying several balloons and a birthday badge for Emily.

I called in the shop opposite reception to get some drinks, and it was about then that I understood that I had not been issued with a PIN for the charge cards. They somehow sensed my exhaustion and let me process the $9 order without one. Despite my incredible tiredness, I was quite intrigued by the new contactless payment pod things.

Upon returning to the car, this particular eighteen year old quickly regressed to a six year old, bouncing up and down on the back seat as she grasped her balloons.

I had been given (bad) directions to our building, but as we were approaching twenty two hours of awakeness now, my brain refused to compute them. After taking much longer than it should, we found our room and dragged our cases and weary bodies into it.

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We quickly found our way around, the girls getting on the wireless within seconds of arriving, and collapsed into bed.

The room was lovely and as I’d been told, larger than your average Disney room. As we all enjoyed the sensation of being in bed, a massive thunderstorm was going on. It was so close and loud that it made the headboard shake. As soon as the kids were asleep, the headboard would be doing so again, no matter how tired I was. I do tend to snore quite violently when so tired.

It was good to be home.

I hope you enjoyed Day One. Should anyone reading this be new around here and by some strange quirk of fate you haven’t heard me prattling on about my book before, you may wish to go and buy it. You can find Mkingdon’s Tales of Family Food and Florida on Amazon, and it contains ten year’s worth of similar (very similar) reports going back to 2003.

Till the next time…..