Sunburnt Underbelly

Yes, yes I know this is very late.  I am sort of relying on the fact that with all these bank holidays nobody will have a clue what day it really is, particularly if like me you are not in work on these inbetweeny days.

I enjoyed the summer, and it was good to get a nice long one this year, with a good four days of lovely sunny weather in a row.  Sanity was restored yesterday though with the heating going back on.  Obviously May is the new Autumn!  As ever a few days of nice weather does a couple of things –

1.  The whole country is in a better mood

Jamaica

Jamaica, not St Anne's.

I am more sure than ever that a country’s weather determines its personality.  Nowhere is this more clear than in our country and somewhere in the Caribbean.  Here, we are uptight, serious with a mild persecution complex, based on the fact that we have bobbins weather inflicted upon us for eleven and a half months of the year.  We rush everywhere, as we want to avoid being outside as much as possible, and our only interaction with our neighbours is an occasional battle over a boundary.

If you compare that with the renowned laid back attitude of somewhere like Jamaica, it is indeed chalk and cheese.  They are known for their relaxed lifestyle, friendly demeanour and yes I’ll grant you shanty towns and drug crime!!  Still, my point remains.  If we had nice weather all the time this would be a better place to live, and most of us would be a whole lot happier with our lot.

2. It brings out our sunburnt underbelly.  What???  Let me explain.

Why is it that at the first sign of a temperature starting with a 2 (I’m old school), folks appear in the uniform of the pasty?  The three-quarter length “trackie” pant, football socks and black trainers, accompanied by the distinct lack of a shirt, inflicting their milky white, oven chip raised torsos upon the world.

Like some sort of Orc infested underworld, they speak their own language, are sustained by Stella and Silk Cut, and raise their children in beer gardens in the sunnier months.  Strange markings adorn their skin, as a badge of honour of those who wish to be different, but somehow all look the same.

Their voices take on a uniform timbre, much like that of a football fan, who speaks in one voice, but when required to chant at the match, adopts the bass laden acoustics and accent deemed to be the acceptable way in which to give encouragement and fit in.

Any sunny day, in any crowded beer garden, it will be crammed to capacity with what to me seem like aliens, but like District 9, the threat of overspill and dominance strike fear into snobbish oafs like myself.  Aggressive dogs, beaten into submission, sit with even more aggressive women going pint for pint with the men, balling obscenities at Harrison and Kylie who are throwing rocks at each other and poking the dog up the arse with a new-found stick to see what happens.  Cue a news story of a toddler being mauled by an aggressive dog!

So doesn’t this contradict my first point?  Probably, but my theory is that because we have so little fine weather we don’t quite know what to do with it.  If we had more than half a dozen days a year then these folk wouldn’t feel the need to spend every minute of them in such a manner.

That rant was brought to you by the right-wing fascist arm of the Daily Mail!

Now on the subject of the whole country feeling better, has anyone else thought it odd that the royal couple decided to get married in April?  Could it be that there is some scheming afoot?  Could it be that the date is absolutely no coincidence, with that extra day off thrown into a time when we already have a glut of bank holidays, in an attempt to lift the mood of the nation?  Throw in the glorious weather that is also obviously part of this government master plan, and I am suspecting some sort of “What cuts, have a look at this wedding and have a day off” master plan.

Whilst I recognise that, I am not aversed to taking part in days off!!

We’re hoping summer returns for the next couple of days, not for the Royal couple, but for a little break we are having up in the Lakes.  With any luck, all the televisions in the Lake District will break sometime today so we can be spared all the ridiculous overdoing it of the whole thing.  I have no beef with the couple themselves, they seem like decent folk as royals go, but for goodness sake, how many different formats of TV show can one event spawn?  I can only imagine the 48 hour continuous coverage with stressed and overtired news folk desperately spinning out what will be about half an hours actual action into two days of non stop news.

brown horse

I bet they do Horses Douvres!

Tomorrow Louise and I are heading off the Lakes for a night away, which was in fact my Valentine’s gift to Louise.  We are staying at the Brown Horse Inn at Winster.  This is somewhere we have stayed before, and loved it.  It is just far enough from Windermere to be peaceful but close enough to have a wander in the town centre if we want to.

I am thankful to the royal twosome for the day off that allows us to do this, and apologise that the booking of such a trip was intentionally done to avoid the non stop over the top fawning and drooling that will dominate the TV this week.  As an added bonus I am also hoping that most of the world will be indoors watching the thing which will mean places are fairly quiet too!!

You will have noticed that the girls are not included on this trip.  Well Emily is away anyway.  She has gone to Northumberland with a couple of friends.  One of those friends has grandparents with a cottage or two up there, and she has been a few times over the years.  I am restricted in my revision nagging to text only at the moment!

This just leaves Rebecca who will be home with Grandma who has kindly volunteered to house and animal sit for us.  You are welcome Rebecca!!

Right time to go, I have not being at work to do!!

Till the next time….

One thought on “Sunburnt Underbelly

  1. Have a grand time in the Lakes (you are well aware I’m sure Louise will want at least 5mins tv time to see the dress!!)

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